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iamnottoway
20 December 2010 @ 11:44 pm
ugh  
ive been sick nonstop since late june. sore throat/trouble swallowing every day plus fever on and off.

i get full blown sick about once a month for a couple days. this is wearing me out. sometimes i just lay there and cry because it's so frustrating to feel like this all the time. i went to the doctor and explained my symptoms back when they first started and she couldn't find anything wrong.

i'm on my third day being too sick to even get out of bed. i don't think i can remember a single time ive ever felt this awful. this is extremely upsetting to me since i love christmas and im missing out on last minute shopping with my sisters/baking cookies/watching christmas movies. it's funny because ive been wishing and hoping all month maybe getting sick could wait until after christmas. with the way im feeling right now, im starting to wonder if ill ever get better or if i'm going to have to live with THIS for the rest of my life now. being to sick to even get out of bed.

i haven't eaten or drank anything in two days because i havent gone downstairs. ive been too weak. i dont have anyone to check on me or keep me company so im alone.

i have been coughing up blood (which i guess could be because its so dry in my house but still extremely unpleasant). ive been awake for about thirteen hours just stairing at the ceiling. im wide awake. cant really afford to go to the doctor again. i guess if im worse tomorrow ill have to. i cant live like this.

but really lately ive been having trouble finding anything good in my life anyway. a reason to keep living, i guess.

at this point, after dealing with sickness for so long, i think i'd rather die than have to put up with this for another day.
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iamnottoway
05 December 2010 @ 11:25 pm
happy birthday to the most INCREDIBLE person on the planet!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most thoughtful, most generous, most loving guy you will ever meet! who's both extremely talented and extremely modest.

happy birthday the person i can talk to about ANYTHING! the one who comforts me when i'm sad and makes me laugh when all i feel like doing is crying. the one who is always there when i need him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the one who has always encouraged me, supported me, loaned me money when he knew i wasn't going to pay him back  (hee), who always remembers MY birthday when no one else will :) <3

happy birthday to the guy who reads to me, watches movies with me (even though i only ever want to watch mulan or totoro), surprises me with little gifts, reminds me he loves me all the time and would never dream on hurting my feelings on purpose.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the one who shares funny videos with me he finds on youtube, who puts up with my attitude and instead of never talking to me again waits until i calm down to let me know he loves me, who knows all my favourite foods, songs, movies, shows, books, colours, drinks, EVERYTHING!

happy birthday to my most favourite person in the universe! the one i look forward to talking to every day, the one i yell at for not getting out of bed because i dont want to miss a second talking to him, the one who gives me a reason to get up in the morning (though will never have a good enough reason for me to go to bed >:I)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my big brother! to the BEST big brother in the world! the kind of big brother who cherishes his little sister instead of locking her in a closet or hitting her. the kind of big brother who lets me eat all his honeycomb and doesn't get mad, who doesnt get angry when i accidentally break something of his, who finds a way to give me whatever i ask for, even though i never deserve it.


who will always, always, always, be my very very best friend. <3

happy birthday, jim. :) you're the best brother a girl could ask for. i wish i could give you an extra special present.. or make today the best day of your life, but i can't.. i still hope you'll have a lot of fun today! with cake and presents and sdgsgdh maybe i will burp the happy birthday song for you!

I LOVE YOU!!!! <33333






 
 
Current Mood: crazycrazy
 
 
iamnottoway
04 December 2010 @ 12:28 am
today was a very long day, but i managed to get quite a bit accomplished. i finished my christmas shopping for everyone but my mom (and she's pretty easy to buy for so im not too concerned there). now i just have to make sure i'll have enough money to ship out jim's gifts and i'll be all set! i should, as long as im still working at the gas station.

there isnt really much to do when i'm there.. when things start slowing down around 8 o clock, there's nothing you really can do but sit around and read or waste money trying to win stuff out of the claw machine. i can't afford the latter, so i just sit around and read or doodle. i cant really seriously draw when i'm not at home or somewhere i feel comfortable, so i do quick five second doodles while waiting for the time to pass. i did quite a few tonight since we didn't close until 11 pm!

i also accidentally killed a moth while mopping. it was sitting on the mop handle and got crushed when i went to grab it :C i didnt want it to suffer so i killed it... then i felt terrible afterward and had to really fight to keep myself from bawling haha. watching my cat die really did a number on me, i guess. i hate seeing things die. even little insects.

i also saw a guy i knew in highschool tonight! that's always one of my biggest fears, when i'm out and about. i was not very well-liked in high school.. but luckily, he just said hi and commented on how strange it felt to see me after so long. it did feel strange. almost unreal. seeing someone every day for four years, then not seeing them for almost two.. and then suddenly seeing them again? it's shocking in a weird way. i was glad he didn't want to stay and catch up/reminisce.

one great thing about working at the gas station is we are visited by a lot of stray cats and dogs looking for something to eat. i'm always glad to toss a hot dog out to them when i see them. i really enjoy getting to know the animals that come around and feel sad when i dont see them again.

this little sweetheart visited us last week:


she was very skittish and seemed to be terrified of water. we think people were probably pretty mean to her in the past. she'd flinch if you moved too fast, but she was such a sweetie. she sat on my lap for a long time while i brushed and petted her. i haven't seen her around and i worry since it's so cold.. but im glad i got the chance to meet her!

this is gracen:



he hangs around at another gas station i work at sometimes. he follows me around when i'm emptying the outside garbage cans, begging for something to eat. he's a sweet little guy and i love seeing him. i wish i could take him home. he had kitten a while back but they were apparently all hit by cars. so was the mother of the kittens  :c i dont want him to have to suffer the same fate.

as i mentioned earlier, i did quite a bit of doodling tonight while waiting to close. they're pretty ugly looking, but i dont really have a reason NOT to share them.. so here are all the doodles from tonight. maybe ill make a habit of posting new ones every night:






alright, i've talked enough for one night. i'm feeling pretty exhausted. i think im going to start a new file on pokemon leafgreen and play through it again. ive started a couple other files but never finished. it'll be a good way to pass time at work, though :)

night!

 
 
Current Mood: lazylazy
 
 
iamnottoway
01 December 2010 @ 01:23 am

had to work again tonight. i smell like tobacco and mold, but i guess it's worth it since i'm making some money! i can't say i particularly like sweeping or mopping, but gosh, they're such simple tasks, i don't have a reason to complain.

and mopping is kind of fun, i have to admit.. though i hate it when people walk in and track mud all over right after i finish :C



i haven't been able to draw anything i like the past couple days. i feel another art block coming on.. and that frustrates me, especially since i was hoping i wouldnt have art block until after i'd finished all these christmas sketches. blah, oh well. usually after the block ends i feel super inspired, so i'm looking forward to that at least.


IN OTHER NEWS

i sort of flew off the handle when this guy tried to give me some 'constructive criticism' yesterday. he didn't go about giving it in the right manner at ALL and that resulted in me telling him off haha. i should've handled the situation more calmly, but gosh, when people are rude it REALLY irritates me. he did apologise for being rude, which i appreciate, but still..

normally when people critique my work, it doesn't upset me.. as long as the person giving it is friendly and is genuinely interested in helping me improve, not just complaining because they want to be a jerk or had a bad day. and to me, it just seemed like this guy was doing the latter.

i really do try to listen and understand when people critique my work. but this time i got pretty flustered. i do have trouble not taking criticism personally sometimes, but i've gotten a lot better about it in the past year or so. i need to learn to develop a thicker skin, i suppose! and i will, in time.

anyway, i quickly doodled this to cheer myself up, since the criticism had been about the feet/legs on what i'd drawn.



im really going to start taking my work more seriously, though. i want to improve! i think i'll start doing life drawing soon. i've heard it can really help!

okay, ive whined enough for one day. tomorrow i'll write about better things. like kittens. and rainbows. maybe.

or maybe i will just rant some more! C:

anyway, time to get some sleep! see ya!
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Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
 
 
iamnottoway
03 October 2010 @ 10:25 pm



i actually had wave race 64... i was bad at it. but the government probably already knows that.
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Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
 
iamnottoway
21 April 2010 @ 01:43 am
while trying to find some of the old school littlest pet shop toys (i hate the hideous new ones!), i came across this video on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP8-0lM0kJI

yes, i know. it's the hideous new toys but this is just absolutely brilliant.

i'm assuming this girl is fairly young. it reminds me of something i would've done if youtube had been around when i was that age haha.(which makes me  GLAD youtube wasn't around back then) it made me laugh so i thought i should share. makes me wish i could go back in time and play with toys again!

i think there are.. nine? nine parts to this. i watched the first part and for some strange reason now i feel compelled to watch the other eight.

the way they bob their heads up and down when they're moved cracks me up really really bad. i love the voices she gives them and i love how one of them is apparently named 'margarita'.

this videos made my entire night haha

also this is what i had been looking for-- i found it! http://littlestpetshop.50webs.com/sparklingpondpets.htm

my sister owned the set on the left and i remember playing with it a lot when i was maybe 4 or 5. i'm sure i came up with tons of silly stories. childhood is such a wonderful thing..
 
 
iamnottoway
12 April 2010 @ 11:41 pm
this is gonna be forever long but im glad im writing it down somewhere.

i dont know if it's because of all the stuff i've seen online
postmortem photography
rosalia lombaro
abandoned mental institutions
the children's ward
(where pop goes the weasel is
riddled with binaural beats)
coming back to haunt me

or if these are just things i want to believe so badly i dream


in any case, i had a pretty strange one last night.
i want to write about it here so i dont forget

there's nothing worse than having an amazing dream and forgetting about it.


it started out in an amusement park really late at night. it was empty, but carousel music (specifically THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S9Cv5K1Awo) was blaring throughout the park. it was really eerie. and i was holding a cat and standing on roller coaster tracks which had formed a sort of spiral staircase (minus the stairs) around the base of an ENORMOUS mushroom shaped tower-

the height and size of which was mind boggling
i'm not sure how to explain
ah well
i guess it probably does no good to try to describe it as it's something i don't think you and i can even really begin to fathom c:
the tallest tower ever!

anyhow, i was on the roller coaster tracks holding a cat, surrounded by flashing bright lights (on signs, kiosks and booths, epileptic fits on the teacup ride). as you can imagine, especially at night, the lights are utterly blinding, so it took a lot of effort to maintain my balance.

for some reason i knew the cat belonged to the elderly man at the very top of the tower. he was dying and it was important i reunite him with his pet before he passed on. i was maybe halfway to the top of the tower, but i could still hear the carousel music loud and clear. i had a perfect view of the entire amusement park at this height- i could see the rides moving below. i felt like i could topple over at any moment. that sickening, leaning-this-way-and-that feeling was in the pit of my stomach.

i lost my balance a couple times but somehow managed to stay on the tracks. the darkness around me seemed to be growing the higher i climbed. the walls of the world were so close i could reach out and touch them. a gentle breeze carried hints of wisteria with it. i swear i would live in this place if it existed.

segments of the tracks were missing. daring leaps had to be made across gaping chasms. the view below was dizzying, and having to carry a cat while making these jumps didn't make things any easier.

i began to realise as i was advancing, the tracks were becoming narrower and narrower. i would undoubtedly be walking a tightrope by the time i reached the top of the tower. gnarled tree limbs reached for me in the darkness. i almost wished i could see them.

i came to another dead end. the missing portion of the track was turned over on it's side (like a makeshift hand railing) and was hovering in the air beside me. i felt like i was going to drop the cat if i had to carry him any longer. assuming he had better balance than me (which was my first mistake, of course), i hoisted him up onto the track beside me (my second mistake). he immediately lost his footing and slipped off the track. i watched him fall. panicking, feeling completely helpless, i leapt to the other side of the track and began to sprint. i felt like i was going to fall and desperately needed to find support- something to lean on while i caught my breath.

a door on the tower caught my attention and without thinking i ran for it. i stopped just before i reached it and picked up a small stuffed animal i found laying on the tracks. i don't remember what it was, i just remember fidgeting with it nervously while i entered.

i found myself in a small, poorly lit, one room apartment. to my right was a large bed. two old women were laying in it under a thin coverlet. one looked like she could die at any moment. she was extremely thin, haggard, and her lips were speckled with blood. there was a tube in her nose which i assume supplied her with oxygen. the other sister appeared younger, fatter, healthier.

i sat down in a chair beside the younger sister. setting the stuffed animal down on the bed, i introduced myself.

the older sister was very bitter and i think my presence upset her greatly. she began to tell me how lucky i was to be young. she told me she wished she could go fishing, watch movies, and read books.

i replied that fishing had never interested me, and that movies couldn't really hold my attention, but i loved stuffed animals because you could always cuddle them.

i looked back to find the two sisters arguing with each other. the younger one seemed to be trying to talk the older one out of something.

"you should just let it happen naturally" she said

but the older one insisted that she shouldn't because 'it'll only take 60 seconds.'

i began to grow suspicious.

the older sister pulled the tube out of her nose and laid it on the bed. i reached over and picked it up, waving it in front of the younger sister questioningly. she didn't react. i started to cry when i heard the older sister coughing. she was making horrific sputtering sounds while blood gushed from her nose and spilled out of her mouth onto the bed. i knew she was committing suicide but i didn't know what to do about it.

i was wailing and trying to cover my face. i didn't understand why.

without a word, the younger sister pulled me closer and embraced me, blocking my view of what was happening. i could still hear the older woman spluttering and gasping for air, but i felt oddly comforted as her sister hugged me. an overwhelming sense of calm came over me, and though i was completely aware of what was happening, i think i understood that it was going to be okay in just sixty seconds.

i woke up feeling really sad and alone. i miss the younger sister really bad and i felt like we had some sort of special connection or bond.

i don't know what to make of the dream.
i wish people didn't have to suffer and die.
i feel really scared about the future.
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Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
iamnottoway
12 January 2010 @ 10:40 pm
yes.

 
 
iamnottoway
23 December 2009 @ 08:43 pm




haha. what's funny is this entry was started on the 9th of december and im just now finishing it on the 23rd. i procrastinate so much. ah well, here goes!

i can't believe tomorrow is already christmas eve! it feels like yesterday was thanksgiving. i guess you kinda lose track of the days when you arent in school anymore. anyway, i can't seem to get into the christmas spirit. i think a big part of it was being excited for christmas break when i was in school. now that i dont really have that to look forward to it's just kinda like blahh.

i've been trying to learn to sew stuff. i love it but i'm not very good yet. i sewed a snapps, a hat, and a few weeks ago, a stocking.

today (the tenth, actually)i decided to try to make something with clay. i'm not very good at working with clay clay. im fact, i'm horrible at it. but it's really helpful when it comes to drawing. helps you understand how everything fits together.

my dad's phone takes horrible photos and went dead before i was able to get a photo from the front but:



i love how cluttered my workspace was. that's not my diet sam's club cola, by the way. i think the stuff tastes like medicine.



shivers has his head back all weird cos he and saria were originally going to be put on a clay sled and attached to a sort of snowy looking hill type thing at an angle, but i didnt have enough clay so he's just being a freak now. his arms arent as messed up as they seem in this photo.. they kinda look strange from that angle, though.

the finished thing looks like this:




or:



a few days after i made it, it fell apart completely.. i guess that's what happens when half of it is sculpey and the other half is no bake stuff!

it's been a pretty stressful few weeks-- trying to make sure i have gifts for everyone in my family, as well as keeping track and wrapping gifts from my mother to my father and vice versa.

i packaged and sent out jim's gifts on the 14th or 15th and he got them a couple days later. he's opened six of them and im making him wait til christmas to open the last one, cos its the biggest. none of the gifts were very big or nice. im pretty crappy at gift giving.. but hopefully i can make it up to him some day.

here's a photo of him holding all the things he's gotten from me (minus the last present):



i, on the other hand, received a seventeen pound package in the mail yesterday. i wasnt able to look at it right away cos i was pretty sick. jim stayed on the phone with me all night and day until i finally ended the conversation because i needed to take a picture of something and send it to him later on when i was feeling better. 18 hours! he carried the phone with him to the post office, and all the way to oswego, so i didnt have to be alone. goodness. <33333

when i was feeling a bit better and able to talk and move around, he told me i should open the package because there was an unwrapped gift i could use.

so i opened the box and reached in with my eyes closed and this is what i found! (or felt, rather):



no, not the pool table/room. that pretty blue blanket! it's so warm and cozy. i swear just wearing it around me helped me get better faster than i would've without it. i know.

i carry it around with me in case i get cold. it's SO comfortable and soft. gosh. i just love it so much.

in order to get the blanket out of the box, i had to carefully take out each of the beautifully wrapped presents that were nestled inside it. i did (oh my gosh the box is so full of presents) and as i was doing that jim asked if i had taken out a specific box yet. a box that looked like a shoebox. i said yes and he convinced me to open it.

so i did!

what was inside?

oh my gosh. TEN MORE PACKAGES!  AND THREE BUNDLES OF BLUEBERRY CANDYCANES (my favourite!) WRAPPED IN YELLOW TISSUE PAPER. i wish i wouldve taken a picture before i started unwrapping! but goodness i was so excited.

take a gander at what he made! i nearly had a heartattack with each box i unwrapped. they're so beautiful and full of life and amazing and SO MUCH FUN:



























(whim didnt want to cooperate so he's not in this photo!)


arent they just incredible???

i mean oh my gosh. making sculptures is SO MUCH WORK! but to make TEN! and paint them and make them so detail and wonderful! oh my goodness. i can't stop playing with them! they're so amazing! all of them except snapps, angus, and berf have hooks so they double as christmas tree ornaments! they look SO WONDERFUL on my tree. but i just cant stop playing with them and arranging them so they're on my shelf with all the other lovely clay pretties jim has made for me over the months. <3 thank you SO MUCH JIM. this is the best christmas gift anyone could EVER get.

and can you believe there's still tons of presents left??

he had me open two more today!

one of them had paintbrushes, and two pens i can use for inking my drawings! ive been wanting pens to ink with for a while now and i cant believe he went and did that! im so unbelievably excited to use them! :) the second gift was a folder containing the halloween comic he made for me, as well as the harass and mij comic, and many of the memories we made while in north carolina together, and even blank paper for ME to use! he's so thoughtful. i love all these gifts so much, and im dying to know whats in the rest of the packages shdgshd but im going to wait til christmas!

thank you so much jim! :) you are the best brother in the universe. i'll always treasure these gifts you've given me. they are the best gifts a girl could ever receive. <33333






 
 
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
 
 
iamnottoway
07 December 2009 @ 02:16 am
Is there any song you'll never grow tired of hearing? If so, what is it, how long have you loved it, and why?

hhhhhhhhhh



im bored sdhgsdhds, i know i shouldnt be awake at almost 2 in the morning answering these silly questions but it happens!


avril 14th by aphex twin. i'm a HUGE aphex twin fan.

you can hear the song here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBFXJw7n-fU

this song is extremely important to me. someone i was once very good friends with shared it with me several years ago and described it as the 'epitome of beauty.' i didnt listen to it until three years ago, when i was a sophomore in highschool and it's had a huge impact on my life. i don't listen to it nearly as much as i used to, but it will always be indescribably special to me.

avril is the french word for april, so the song's title translates to april 14th.

when i finally listened to it for the first time i was dating a guy at school named alex. guess when his birthday was? april 14th. we kinda took it as a sign and it became our song. it was our song to dream to. we both loved aphex twin, especially his album drukqs. we both also loved poetry and art. it inspired us both. we used to play a game where we wrote poetry together and we'd both be listening to jynweythek ylow or avril 14th. we talked about places we would visit, things we would do, and this song would always be playing, distantly, softly, but clearly. it brought out the best in both of us. i know it brought out the best in him. it allowed me to see a part of alex i had never seen before i'd shared that song with him.

funny how music can bring people together, isn't it?


after alex and i broke up this song helped me through a sort of depression. it didnt matter how many times i played it, it never got old. i've listened to this song on some of the best and worst days of my life and i always return to it some how. it's always showing up somewhere.


years later i met a fellow named jim. i had a habit of sharing my favourite songs with him when we talked every night. one night i shared avril 14th and told him how special it was to me. it's been special to jim ever since. on the night i graduated highschool, he made a beautiful facebok graffiti for me while listening to avril 14th. i listened to it while replaying the graffiti. it's one of the most thoughtful, most wonderful gifts anyone has ever given me.


it was used in the film marie antoinette, was stolen and the melody reversed for a christmassy coke commercial last year, and a few seconds of it can be heard in the end of david firth's fourth salad fingers flash cartoon.

david firth is a huge aphex twin fanatic as well, so that's no surprise.


when i hear this song i imagine the most beautiful abandoned victorian house. surrounded by dead trees whose gnarled fingers are sprawling toward a gray sky. the grass is sharp, short and unalive, like a blanket of pine needles dumped over a bed of soot. the house is in the middle of nowhere, with no neighbours. it is is ancient and beginning to fall apart. it's completely empty on the inside. the windows are broken and there's a breeze blowing through them. this song is playing somewhere very far away and is being carried on the breeze.

it's a simple but genius piece of music. its something no one but richard d james could create. a man who can't read sheet music composted one of the most beautiful songs on the planet.



avril 14th truly is the epitome of beauty. and it will never get old to me. <3

 
 
Current Music: avril 14th, duhh!