Log in

21 November 2012 @ 10:28 pm
but she breaks just like a little girl  

our house smells like pine and pumpkin bread. tomorrow it'll smell like turkey and pie. thanksgiving evening is when we traditionally set up our christmas tree downstairs, but we put it up a bit early this year because we were able to buy a new one tuesday. it looks real! artificial trees will never compare to the real thing, but it's kinda neat to have a fake tree that kinda looks real!

my tree has lights and more ornaments, but it still looks pretty pitiful. i've never been good at decorating. i don't even really care at this point, i'm just happy i actually bothered to do something this year, despite how depressed i've felt. last year i don't think i decorated at all! and i can put all the presents to jim under there as i get them/wrap them so i don't lose track of them haha.

i plan to go on a diet after my birthday next year. i should start now, but i feel like i'd just fall off the wagon after christmas and gain everything back. i'm sick of looking in the mirror and crying every day. i guess if i got this fat, i can get.. unfat again, right? i have to do it this time. no more hurting myself. looking at photos of myself from 2007 is depressing haha. i used to be.. not thin.. i've never been 'thin', but i used to have a shape, anyway. now i'm just grotesquely fat and ugh. i'm glad i have someone who doesn't care how fat i am and appreciates who i am inside. the fact that anyone could possibly think i'm 'beautiful' makes me feel sick, but i guess it's nice to hear it, even when you don't believe it yourself.. speaking of that 'someone', he has a birthday coming up in a few days, and i need to figure out what to do! i wish i had the energy to draw him a comic like i used to, but it seems we're both always so exhausted anymore..

why did i ramble about these things for so long? i guess that's what happens when you start talking and nobody is there to tell you to shut up!

i'm going to go make some tea and try to sort out my thoughts.


Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: just like a woman- bob dylan