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iamnottoway
01 January 2013 @ 02:21 am
i was, uh.. a little.. out of sorts when i wrote this entry the first time. let's try again.

for the time being, i'll be using tumblr exclusively for all art-related posts. livejournal will be reserved for more personal things. or, well, for nothing at all until it starts working properly again. the site takes like five minutes to load on my laptop and i can't even access my own scrapbook. ..and the russian spambots lately not only frustrate me, they also creep me out hahaha. also, considering almost no one is even aware this journal exists, it's not really that big of a deal if i just abandon it. tumblr is a bit more public, but it's so much more convenient.

still, i love livejournal and hope one day to find a use for this account. i'm sure i will return one day! until then, catch me at iamnottoway.tumblr.com.
 
 
iamnottoway
28 December 2012 @ 02:27 am
i don't have much to say, just a few stupid doodles to post.


arrow

i love bo, and i can relate with him a lot. especially lately. he's dim-witted and clumsy. even when he means well, he usually messes everything up somehow. he's perfectly imperfect.

whim was the only one he had. i'm sure there were probably others who tolerated him, but whim was a true friend. he genuinely cared about bo, and bo's flaws didn't bother him. maybe they frustrated him at times.. probably did! but he understood bo. he looked out for him. stood up for him. was always there for him.

even though bo is with the pirates now, i wonder if he still gets lonely sometimes. i'm sure he must think about whim a lot and feel sad. maybe he even cries. i mean, even though he's surrounded by new friends, none of them are or will ever be whim. i don't mean that in a depressing way. bo doesn't seem like a sad character. i think he prefers to look on the bright side.

still, i'm sure the pain of losing whim is still there. nobody will probably ever understand bo like whim did, or love him like whim did. they shared a special connection. and i wonder if whim hurts too. maybe he cries too sometimes. even though he still looks out for bo, nothing is or will ever be the same again.

bo's story really touches me. even just thinking about it makes me tear up. i don't draw him often, but he's definitely one of my favourite pirates. i wonder if jim is even aware just how much of an impact his creations have on other people. they're beautiful.

anyhoo, i doodled this because i've been feeling pretty lousy, and i was listening to this song earlier which me a lot of these characters. whim has no arms because arms are too hard for me to draw.

then there's this monstrosity:

jolee



...what a horrible mess. i can't draw bodies at all. i've been wanting to put together a ref sheet for jo, but i kinda have to be able to draw her before i do that. she's really difficult for me. everything about her is hard! stuff i'm not familiar with drawing. fat, boobs, hair... eugh. i guess i'll just have to keep trying. i love this character too much to just throw her away. which is funny, because i hate myself and jolee is supposed to be me hahaha..
 
 
iamnottoway
26 December 2012 @ 09:40 pm
sometimes it feels good to just let it all out. spill your heart. i feel absolutely awful tonight and happened to stumble across this in my dropbox earlier. made me cry haha.

i drew it a while back because a few other artists had done similar 'facts about me' things (though mine is probably a lot more depressing haha). i thought maybe since we're nearing the end of 2012 it would be good to re-visit this and add a few more things.. i'll make another at the end of next year and we'll compare them. hopefully many of the negatives here will have changed to positives.

 i'm still not brave enough to post this on tumblr or furaffinity. people would just think i'm being whiny!

whine whine whine...Collapse )

its easier to type the things that are wrong to myself than it is to talk about them to other people who will probably judge me/tell me to just get over it. i really hate nights like tonight when everything feels hopeless. i guess i should go find something productive to do so i don't just sit here and continue whining.its easier to type the things that are wrong to myself than it is to talk about them to other people who will probably judge me/tell me to just get over it. i really hate nights like tonight when everything feels hopeless. i guess i should go find something productive to do so i don't just sit here and continue whining.
 
 
iamnottoway
25 December 2012 @ 11:02 pm
christmas is over. and i'm relieved, quite frankly. things were hectic and stressful this year, but i survived, and i'm ready for a new year to begin. i have big plans for 2013. i really hope to change my life for the better. i'm sick of treating myself like i don't matter. i'm gonna turn things around. hopefully next december i'll look back and laugh at how silly i was to let myself suffer with these problems for so long. but enough about that.

all things considered, today went pretty well. everyone here is sick. seems as soon as one of us gets better someone else drags another illness into the house. its my least favourite part of winter.

everyone seemed to be happy with the gifts i got them! my mom seemed genuinely happy with the stuff i bought her, and i think my dad liked his presents too. my nephews and sisters probably couldn't care less, but oh well haha. i also got some really awesome stuff myself! i got a hardback cover of watership down and plague dogs, an electric tea kettle, a neat wall shelf to put jim's clays on (every time people came into my room they'd bump into the bookcase they were originally sitting on and fall and break :T), and sketchbook pro 6! i'm especially excited about that last thing and can't wait to use it. the tablet i have at the moment doesn't seem to be compatible, but it's awesome i have the program now. i wasn't expecting that at all!

i think the highlight of the day was watching the dogs tear into their presents. every year we fill a couple bags with dog treats and toys and let 'em open them. they seemed to know last night that something special was going to happen today! chewey especially was excited. this was her first christmas!

chewey couchchewey presents


as much as i dreaded christmas this year, i will be sad to see the decorations go. i feel like i just put my tree up (even though it's been up for over a month haha), and i'm thinking i might... leave it up year-round, just cos i love it so much. also because i'm too lazy to disassemble the damn thing.

anyhoo, after my birthday i'm going to start getting serious about stuff! going to find a way to make money and stop feeling sorry for myself. change all the negatives into positives. i plan to lose at least 40 pounds and start taking better care of myself so i can get a handle on this depression before it's too late. i'm excited, really. it's one of those things i kinda just wanna dive right into, but it takes a bit of planning. i really hope things will start looking up for me soon! i'm glad i'll (hopefully) be making some positive changes. i've waited far too long. a lot of it is just having the right mindset, i think. i want to drop this 'nothing i do matters' mentality and start feeling like i matter again.

pff. okay. that's enough rambling, right? i'm exhausted (barely got any sleep last night) and don't feel very well, so i do believe i'll relax and read one of the books i got. so far plague dogs has been really interesting!

g'night.

ham
 
 
iamnottoway
10 December 2012 @ 04:29 am

been burnt out from the holidays and haven't had much of a desire to draw. my mind keeps thinking up ideas, but i just can't find the motivation to put pencil to paper. or, uh, stylus to tablet, in my case.

looking back, i'm actually pretty impressed with how much i've drawn this year. it seems i hardly drew at all last year. i hope 2013 will be also be a productive year for me, art wise. that is, if the world doesn't end!

i'm sure once things around my house have calmed down a bit i'll find the desire to draw again. just gotta be patient. i don't want to force myself and get all frustrated. that's the worst.

here are some icky things i've doodled in the past few weeks.

anxiety

scribbles

whee
blue jay
jacket

have a song, too

 
 
 
iamnottoway
06 December 2012 @ 03:26 am

someone i love very much turns 29 today! <3 happy birthday, jim! i know you don't want everyone to know, so i'm not gonna post this on tumblr like i originally planned ;3

i love you so much! i can't imagine my life without you. i don't want to imagine my life without you. i'd miss talking with you, watching movies, playing left 4 dead, and skyping when it's bed time. you have made my life complete <3 i'm sorry i wasn't able to do anything big for your birthday, but some day when we're able to celebrate birthdays together, i promise i'll make it up to you :) cake, decorations, presents - the whole shebang. you've always made my birthdays the best in the world. some day i want to do the same for you.

i know we don't always get along as well as we'd like, especially with all the stress we've been under these past couple of years. we seem to butt heads constantly. but we're still together, and the love is still there. we've made it through some awful tough stuff, and i know as long as we keep holding on, things will get better. please never forget how much to you mean to me. even during our arguments. you mean the world to me. so glad you're mine and so glad i'm yours. nobody will ever be better than you to me. you'll always be 'on a shelf above the rest' :) i'm so happy i've gotten the chance to know you over these past five years.

i don't have much to share (and you've already seen all these anyway), but hopefully tomorrow i'll get my butt in gear and make something nice!

birthday 08

birthday 08 2

birthday &apos;11

mijflybday1
mijflybday2

(fullsized comic here)

as it should be

happy birthday!! <3333333

 
 
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
 
 
iamnottoway
23 November 2012 @ 10:49 pm

a few weeks ago i took an online enneagram test and it was really kind of.. mind-blowing just how accurate the results were. all i did was answer a few weird questions and BAM. it's like they were inside my brain!  i never used to put much stock into these kinds of things, but maybe there's something to them after all? though i know they aren't really the same, i've also been growing increasingly interested in numerology and astrology lately. my personal horoscope is almost always spot-on. kinda weird.

i've also noticed in my relationships with others, i can often guess their astrological sign before they even reveal it. there do seem to be patterns in the different sign's personalities. for example, i've found myself incredibly attracted to almost every virgo i've ever met, always before i was even aware they were virgos. they're always so charming!

and me - i'm a capricorn. pessimistic, overly-cautious at times, and always planning something in the back of my mind. people usually don't like me very much because i seem boring and aloof. i have trouble joking around unless i know a person fairly well! and even then, most people don't appreciate my sense of humour. emotions scare me. especially my own. which is a big reason why i'm always disappearing. i've been told before i can be really cold and distant at times, and i'm completely aware. i just don't really know how else to be. i'm definitely not a good person to go to when you need a shoulder to cry on haha. as much as i care and want to help, i'm never any good at it. uh, also i like money a lot. but i like spending it on others more than on myself. if you're sad i'll buy you a nice gift, but i probably wont be able to make you feel any better.

i dunno, i just find this stuff so fascinating. i know it's silly, but i don't even really care. also, i've hardly ever met any other capricorns online. i wonder why that is? maybe because a lot of them are like me and hide away!

goatfish

anyway, i don't really have anything else to say, so i'll shut up. OH, but look at these digital.. paper.. snowflakes i've been making with this make-a-flake thing! it's my latest obsession haha. i can't seem to stop (yes i'm going to share a lot of them because i really like some of them and nobody else would care >:I):

crabmeatpagodajolts n boltscloaked devilsmashed daffodil iceflakeghoulishtribal

spider pattycakeoh

frozen landchilly

bowing bearded yetinervous laughing vampire

snowy villageoversized sweater dance

gather togethercrystalised

legspups

okay sorry i'll stop. i have tons more but i'm not going to waste album space by uploading all of them hahah. go make snowflakes and show me. i love them.

 
 
Current Mood: mellowmellow
 
 
iamnottoway
22 November 2012 @ 07:31 pm

thanksgiving went well! it was just immediate family, this year. we cut most of the dishes out of the menu, but there was still way too much food to fit on the table. shameful. haha.

food

it was nice to have the family together in one room, even though we don't get along very well these days. it's fun to reminisce and tease each other.

oh yeah, since everyone is posting what they're thankful for today, i think i should too. i feel so fortunate to have the friends and family i do. i know we don't always see eye-to-eye, but we love each other, and that's what matters. i'm thankful i've never had to go without a meal, and thankful i have a place to sleep every night. so many people don't, and that breaks my heart. i'm no different from them. i don't deserve to live this well.

i'm extremely thankful i know such amazing people. i've lost people i considered friends this year because i'm so emotional and so indecisive, so i truly, truly, truly appreciate those who have stuck around without judging or getting angry <3 especially jim. he's seen me at my absolute worst and has always been there for me. i'm grateful to have him in my life. i honestly don't know what i'd do without him! he's put up with my crying and screaming when no one else could. thank you so much, jim. i love you.

and thank you to those of you who have sent good thoughts, prayed, or cared about me in your own ways while i've dealt with these personal issues. even if we've never spoken before. please know i don't expect anyone to. i'm aware i vanish and reappear too often, but in a way doing that has helped me see just who really cares, and who doesn't. some people pay attention because they genuinely care. others are just there to watch the show. i appreciate those of you who don't jump to conclusions/make assumptions and patiently wait for me to return to my senses when i run away. i don't deserve your kindness. things are incredibly tough for me right now, but someday i'll make it out of this slump and i'll make it up to you.

despite how well most of the afternoon went, today kind of ended on a sour note. seeing someone saying some rather hurtful/untrue things about me online has me feeling down, but considering i'm guilty of doing the same thing to another person a while ago, i'm going to take a lesson from it rather than sit here and whine. i'm aware now of how much it hurts to have people say nasty things about you behind your back (especially when you thought they were a friend), and i'm determined now more than ever not to do it again. i guess that's something i can be thankful for too, as much as it stings right now haha. every day is a lesson. i'm not going to let this get me down like the livestream did a while back, though. i'm just going to leave those hurtful things and people in the past and keep moving forward! though i wish i could go back in time and apologise like crazy for hurting others :/ lessons. lessons lessons lessons.

no art tonight, since i'm feeling sort of blue over things, but have photos of mo and miss kitty, cos i'm quite thankful for them as well!

miss kitty

mo


 
 
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
 
 
iamnottoway
21 November 2012 @ 10:28 pm

our house smells like pine and pumpkin bread. tomorrow it'll smell like turkey and pie. thanksgiving evening is when we traditionally set up our christmas tree downstairs, but we put it up a bit early this year because we were able to buy a new one tuesday. it looks real! artificial trees will never compare to the real thing, but it's kinda neat to have a fake tree that kinda looks real!

my tree has lights and more ornaments, but it still looks pretty pitiful. i've never been good at decorating. i don't even really care at this point, i'm just happy i actually bothered to do something this year, despite how depressed i've felt. last year i don't think i decorated at all! and i can put all the presents to jim under there as i get them/wrap them so i don't lose track of them haha.

i plan to go on a diet after my birthday next year. i should start now, but i feel like i'd just fall off the wagon after christmas and gain everything back. i'm sick of looking in the mirror and crying every day. i guess if i got this fat, i can get.. unfat again, right? i have to do it this time. no more hurting myself. looking at photos of myself from 2007 is depressing haha. i used to be.. not thin.. i've never been 'thin', but i used to have a shape, anyway. now i'm just grotesquely fat and ugh. i'm glad i have someone who doesn't care how fat i am and appreciates who i am inside. the fact that anyone could possibly think i'm 'beautiful' makes me feel sick, but i guess it's nice to hear it, even when you don't believe it yourself.. speaking of that 'someone', he has a birthday coming up in a few days, and i need to figure out what to do! i wish i had the energy to draw him a comic like i used to, but it seems we're both always so exhausted anymore..

why did i ramble about these things for so long? i guess that's what happens when you start talking and nobody is there to tell you to shut up!

i'm going to go make some tea and try to sort out my thoughts.

tea



 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: just like a woman- bob dylan
 
 
iamnottoway
18 November 2012 @ 09:35 pm

this has been a terrible drawing day. i've been trying on and off all day to come up with something that looks even halfway decent, but nope. nothing.

instead, have this clip from a crappy cartoon i've been searching for for months. i sometimes have to babysit my sister's kids, which means disney junior and pbs sprout all day. from what i've seen, this show is absolutely awful (as most children's shows are), but this song has been stuck in my head since i first heard it. i love it! i really wish it was longer.

click here to hear

also, even though the characters look hideous on the show, i have sort of a thing for really simplistic designs. they're.. kinda cute to me, haha.

lisa

more lisa

 
 
Current Mood: sadsad